I keep starting and stopping posts, saving them in my drafts, rewriting them and doing it all over again. I’m having a lot of trouble finding words, or finding something to give to you all that actually means something and will stick with you.
So, as I sit in class, I have decided to write about when to stop fighting depression.
My blog has slowly become one for mental health, and I hope you’re all okay with that. I wish I had something like this to read when I was struggling, so hopefully this will help someone else.
When I first started to get really depressed in the sixth grade, I would constantly deny it. When I was struggling with eating, I would deny that I had a problem. When I first started harming myself, I denied the fact that it was awful. I denied everything, because I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to be different, I didn’t want to be “messed up”. I wanted to be happy.
Since I couldn’t come to terms with myself, I couldn’t reach out for help. Looking back, I don’t know why I constantly denied everything. I understood what eating disorders were, I understood what self harm was. But I don’t think I understood that I did those things because I was depressed.
If you are someone who suffers from depression, you’ll understand what I mean when I say that it’s hard to see clearly. You have a constant hood over your eyes. All you know is that you aren’t happy.
I want to help people avoid my situation, where you fight on your own for years. If you’re hurting, you shouldn’t ever be alone. I’ve had a lot of friends who start to get upset, whether it be severe depression or just blue, and I thank them for telling me. They are so strong, to be able to tell a friend that they’re hurting.
Now, I’m being extremely hypocritical. These days, I’ve been hurting again, and I try and push my feelings down because I don’t want to be in a bad place again. I try and be strong for everyone else, so that I can have the power to write my blog posts and film my YouTube videos, and be confident in school. I can’t be a leader for anyone else if I’m fading into oblivious depression.
But I’m going to be honest with you all; I’m really sad. I’m struggling a lot. I don’t ever want to be weak for you all, because then there’s no point in me writing to you. You come to my blog or watch my videos because you want to be happy and find ways to learn from my mistakes. But I feel like I can’t help you right now, because I can’t help myself.
Writing this now, I am coming to terms with the fact that I’m unwell again. And its been a really long time since I’ve felt this way, but its unavoidable when you struggle with depression. I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to feel this way, but I do. I am walking every day, weighted down by this sadness that won’t go away.
I suppose you can learn from this moment right here. As I type this, as I read the words that are coming from my mind on the screen, I see myself understanding that I have to let go of the denial. And if you are hurting, and you’ve been telling yourself you’re not, please take it from me and open your eyes.
I won’t lie. It’ll be hard understanding your feelings when you come face to face with them. But really, it was harder for you to not understand them. Depression isn’t something you should fight alone. You should have family, friends and others that help you move through it. I hope you find the strength within yourself to reach out and stop fighting.
I don’t believe I’ll be on my blog or YouTube for a long while, and I don’t know if I will return. I’m taking my own advice; you come before anyone else.
If you want to see my YouTube video describing my absence, click here:
Thank you to all that have been reading. I hope you’ll be inspired and come out of your shell like I have.