JESUS CHRIST, why am I like this?
You know that feeling when you’re just sitting in the bed that you haven’t left all day, your hair is greasy, you haven’t drank any water, and you know you want to be crying but nothing comes out? You want change in your life, you want to do something that makes you happy, but you have no idea what to do to get there. There is something missing in your life. What is it? What is missing? Maybe it’s just me.
I cannot express to you how many times I have felt this. It is easier to count the days when I haven’t been like this.
I live in a partial fool’s paradise. In my head, I conjure up a life for myself in which I am
doing all of the things that I want to be doing. I’ve got talent, potential, love, hope. In reality, I’ve got none of that. I don’t do anything good for myself.
My whole life, I have been the gap person. I never imagined a life for myself, so I became the piece in everyone else’s life that they seemingly needed for the time being. My parents wanted a kids, so I was one of them. A friend needed someone to listen intently and help them problem-solve. That’s me. A human needed a girl to date to realize that they want more than what was offered in future relationships… me again! I recognized that this was what I was doing, what I was “made” for. A gap-filler. Just a short term human in everyone else’s long term lives.
See, I never talk (or write) about this, so it is coming out a lot sadder than I think it is. Being a small part of everyone else’s life is just what I’ve grown used to, who I personally believe I am. I’m not here to live a “wholesome” life; I’m here to help give others theirs.
I am my happiest when I am helping other people realize their full potential, when I see their human growth. I feel fulfilled by this. Not to say I am dependent on other people, as I think I’m a pretty competent and self-sustaining person.
Alright, enough of that.
The first part of this post has been in my drafts for a long time, and I have long since forgotten where it was going, or if it was going anywhere in the first place. I write a lot of things hoping to strike a chord in someone else, but I’m not sure if it works out that way.
I guess if you’re going to take anything out of this, it is, as sappy as it sounds, that feeling like you’re not moving forward in your life or that you’re just a crumpled waste of space in the universe is not correct. Relating back to what I was saying earlier, everyone has a purpose. And just because you don’t have everything you initially wanted in life, or don’t
have what “everyone else” has, doesn’t mean you don’t have anything. You’re worth isn’t based on everyone else. If you are given a small piece of joy, like your ability to get out of bed one day when you didn’t think you could do it, you are moving forward. And maybe you can’t do that! Maybe you’re just completely unable to get out of bed, unable to do anything. The fact that you’re still here, breathing and forming thoughts, is moving forward. I think of myself as a place-holder, and that’s enough for me. Giving other people hope and joy is my place in this world. That’s moving forward. That’s my life. And it’s okay.
I have such difficulty speaking my thoughts, and apparently in this post I have a lot of difficulty writing them, so I’m truly sorry for that, and if I wasted a couple minutes of you’re time.
If you want to speak back at this or shake me by the shoulders asking to make more sense, be my guest. I could use some more people in my life.